When vs. Never........

When am I going to put all this grief behind me and move on to live the life I have? To appreciate what I have and not think about what I don't?

I ask myself the above questions all the time. I run lead at support meetings for grieving parents and I think that I should be able to tell my "story" without a tear, but I never can, never. I try, but I can't. I feel like a failure at times because of this. But I understand that this shows part of me that still carries that deep heart wrenching pain of saying "hello" and "goodbye" to my children way before I was ever ready. So my "When's vs. Never's".......

When am I going to stop trying to incorporate you into my life (and then feel frustrated and guilty when I can't find the right way)?

When am I going to stop hating this place because it's where the nightmare of losing you happened?

When am I going to stop crying at songs with lyrics that make me think of you?
When am I going to stop feeling the hole in my heart were my daughter's  and son's were supposed to go?
When am I going to stop feeling "I want what you have," when I see a pregnant woman?
When am I going to stop resenting families who have one boy and one girl, or even more then just one child?
When am I going to stop trying to get others to understand?

These are the questions in my mind.

The answer is my heart is....never.

I'm never going to stop trying to incorporate you into my life.
I'm never going to stop resenting this place.
I'm never going to stop crying at song lyrics.
I'm never going to fill the hole in my heart.
I'm never going to stop feeling envy when I see a pregnant woman.
I'm never going to stop wanting what I tried for years to create.
I'm never going to stop trying to get others to understand.

I will never stop missing you. I will never stop loving you. I will never again be the person I was before each of you came into my life. I'm so grateful for that. I'm grateful for you.

I love you, miss you and I thank God that he blessed me with you.