Not a Day Passes............

that they, Jakob, Jeneh, Lynli and Deke, do not cross my mind in some way or another. The emotions I feel are as different as the days that accompany them. Some of these emotions include happiness, love, sadness, wondering, grief, hope, thankfulness, agony, fear, guilt, anger and many more.

Personally, I do not see much validity in the theory that time heals…………. I believe that time has taught me to live with the loss of my children, via acceptance. Specifically, I recall approximately one year after Jakob and Jeneh’s still birth date, I thought about how I had just buried my 3rd child, Lynli just two weeks earlier. I remember walking out of the hospital after Lynli’s birth and Death thinking that I believed I had a choice to make. The choice was either to rebuild my life and stop letting grief consume me, or to continue down the path of “what if’s” thinking that eventually would destroy me, my marriage and other relationships. Thankfully, my upbringing included a foundation in Christ. I had buried 3 children with in 50 weeks of each other, without that foundation, I do not believe that I would have had the faith, hope and maturity to rebuild my life after their death.

With the death of so many children it has changed the core of who I was and transformed me into someone unrecognizable to many that knew me. My thought process, personal characteristics, hopes and dreams drastically changed. This paradigm shift affected personal and professional relationships. I was no longer the easy going and carefree person that floated through life with few concerns. I became a 34 – year old mother who had buried her first three children in less then a year and now was traveling a lifelong journey of grief.

More to come...............................