BROKEN..............

That is how I feel. It’s been 6 months sense we lost Deke and I just can’t pull myself out of this slump I’m in. I can only explain it as this; the day Deke was born something deep down inside broke, I mean just broke in half. I have tried talking to some people about this but no one seems to understand.
How can someone feel this way you wonder, I don’t know ether. But what I do know is that it’s a real feeling, a feeling that just consumes me. I can’t shake the feeling. I have been in counseling for all this and nothing helps. I have been on a few anti-depressants they just seem to keep me going.
I wish I had someone who understood that I could talk to. Yes so many of my friends have lost a child, but come on now just how many “freaks” like me are out there, very few. I wish I could wake up from this madness. I feel like I’m going crazy. Maybe I am who knows what is real anymore.
I can put on a good face to be around people, so many people, including DH thinks that I should be over this by now, that its been 6 months why are you still morning a baby that has been gone longer then he was ever alive. I think of how strange this all is.
How many people do you know have this kind of luck. I know DH doesn't feel the same as me, its very different for a man vs a woman. DH is not the one with the issues, he's not the one with an incompetent body, that can't seem to do anything right.
Am I feeling sorry for myself, I could be, but then why dose the broken feeling keep getting stronger and stronger. The feeling of going crazy just about consumes me every day. I feel sorry for Shayli, having to grow up with a Crazy as a Mother. I try to remember that this isn’t her fault that she didn’t plan on this ether. And I focus on her. She is about all I have to live for me right now.
I just never thought it would end this way. I really felt we where suppose to have another child, that Shayli was not suppose to be an only child, then WHY would this happen, again. I just don’t get it and I guess this is one of the things I’m hung up on…….. I would never have gotten pregnant again if I knew it was going to end this way....

I am not bent, but BROKEN….