I Cannot Be

I Cannot Be

"I cannot be the candle
When darkness fills your room
I cannot be the rain
That makes your flowers bloom
I cannot be the wind
That blows your ship to shore
I cannot fight the battles
That you can fight no more
I cannot walk your path
When you would like to stray
But mine will be the hand
You hold along the way."


Reality is that we cannot take the pain from anyone who grieves the loss of a loved one and a child most definitely, it is somewhat conveyed in this poem, along with the offer to comfort and hold their hand. How often I have heard statements like "things will be OK" or “It’s God’s will” or “He’s in a better place” and my all time favorite, "God does not give us more then we can bare" these are just people’s attempts to encourage when someone is hurting. I however have found these statements offensive and hurtful, diminishing my pain and disregarding my hurt. Please consider your words carefully before you attempt to console a grieving Mom or Dad.

As I approach Deke’s 2nd Angel Day, I find my mind dwelling more on the days that lead up to his passing; The killing labor pains I had for 48 hours before I delivered, the Dr to this day that I cannot say her name without disgust and hate, that she would just dismiss me when everyone around knew and could see I was in labor, the fact that she lied to me about talking to my “REAL” Dr about my pregnancy that he was in the "loop" on everything that was going on. When in reality he didn’t even know I was pregnant.

I hold a lot of anger and hate for this Dr, thinking back to the times in 2 other pregnancies that she dismissed me when I had issues, like when I was leaking fluid with Shayli. I had again walked myself in to their office because I KNEW I was leaking, she tested me, and sent me home saying it was nothing. WRONG, I was leaking and Shayli was born the next day, less than 24 hours after I had been in her office. What a Quack!

I still have so much anger over losing Deke, parts of my life that were ripped from my life, without any say, just taken, and I have been left to deal with the aftermath..