The Anguish of Loss

I was sent this picture in a card when we lost Deke, by one of the most amazing women I know Chele, it is due to her work and amazing drive that Shayli is here today. She set up a website called "Abby-Loppers" and I found it after we lost Lynli. This site is for information for the TAC, or the formal name; Tans abdominal Cerclage, such an amazing discovery for women that suffer from IC (incomplete Cervixes).
For me this picture says’s it all, just the depth of hurt and sorrow, ANGUISH that comes with losing a child or children. I feel this way all the time, and most of all after losing Deke.
I write today because a friend of mine became a "2nd" time Angel mom this past week. Just breaks my heart when I hear of first time "Angel Mom's", but really why a Second time?? Tanya, texted early Monday on Labor Day morning that there was a Loss of a Share Mom, Brianna Weeks and if anyone could go. I said I would, so Tutt and I went. And I am so glad that we did.
There is such an amazing spirit when walking into the room of a family that has just become an "Angel Family" the feeling is sad, but the other side is just so close. It’s hard to put onto paper just how close the other side is at that time. I love to hold these little ones, little ones that are just too perfect for this world and have a calling on the other side to do, all they needed was their body. I love to hold them and whisper to them to tell my children "Hello" because they will be there to meet them.
The Spirit was so strong going into Brianna's room, there was so much love in there and it was not just from her Mom and Nate’s Dad that was there, the other side was welcoming this little Alex home.
I know how hard it’s going to be for Brianna, you feel like such a freak, well at least I did and still do, to have another loss. Sometimes there are just no answers as to why this happened, and sometimes there are answers, but for now we have to know that there are bigger reason's to why this madness has to happen and except that our Savior's love is what we have to lean on in our deepest darkest abyss, that there is light. I know that there is a plan, but at times, I don’t see that light, when we are walking that path, we don’t see that there is light, what we are doing however is holding on to the Lords hand for everything we are worth so that we do not ser-come and drown in our sorrow.
I believe in the scripture that states that our Savior has born it all for us, but I also know that we have to walk our path, because if we do not know of this sorrow, how can we truly be worth to live with our Father in Heaven and Lord Jesus Christ. We have to bear our trials the good and the bad, to be worthy to live in their presence again. How would you feel to live with someone that has sacrificed ALL for you and you have not had to do or sacrifice anything to be there, I know that for me I would feel as if I do not belong. But I do know that so far in this life I have walked a path to show that I do belong, that I have suffered, and that I still "press forward with a stead fastness in Christ......" Life is not easy, never has been, and never will be. One thing I have never talked about on here is the abuse I suffered growing up, the shame that even thinking about it brings on me now. I don’t understand why I'm still ashamed, but I am. I guess because it’s still a "taboo" of things that shouldn’t happen but does and (as my Aunt so rudely informed me when I came home from my mission) "We don’t talk about it, to ANYONE."
I suffered for years at the hand of my father being sexually abused. From my earliest recollection, I remember it starting at the age of 4, at the age of 11 (I can even remember the date, Feb 13, 1982, it was a Saturday) that my dad thought he got me pregnant. HOW can someone still remember the DATE, let alone what day of the week it was, but I do, a date that I will never forget. I will never forget it, so it will not happen to my daughter, if it does, there will be the death of that person to pay at my hands, and I promise that I'll get to that person before Justin will...) But for the most part the abuse went on until I left on my mission in June of 1991. I came forward, Nov 3, 1992, and it seems like that should have been the day to set me free, but in many ways it was like I signed my own death. I thought my life would change when I finally told, but it didn’t, but in many ways got worse.
You know I have thought a lot about the abuse I suffered and the loss of so many children, and I know that I would walk that path of abuse all over again if I didn’t have to walk the path of losing so many children. I feel like a freak because of the abuse and then ever more when I am asked how many children I have and I want to say, "living or dead, is it OK if I count my dead children because I do, maybe the worlds dose not or anyone in my family, but I do.."
This brings me to something that I don’t know how to do or face, Shayli has to fill out a paper for "Queen for the Day" for school, on there it states how many siblings do you have and then asks you to write their names and ages.. Do I put Jakob, Jeneh, Lynli and Deke's names on there and then put that they are dead or do I just leave it blank? I know that for me I would be lying and not a "good" lie if I forgot them or didnt put them on that paper, I don’t want her to forget them, I don’t want her to ever forget that they came first, well not Deke, but Jake, Jeneh and Lynli. If it were not for them and the sacrifice that they made to come first, she would not be here today. It’s like they sacrificed their life for her to come be with us..
Now that I have shed more of my soul then I do to anyone I had better leave it here for today. Nate and Brianna and Kurt and Heidi, I am so sorry you’re walking this awful journey of now being Parents of an Angel, it’s not fair and it SUCKS!