"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."
Thursday while I was at work I got a text that there was a family at the hospital (McKay) that had to take their little baby off life support and was there anyone that would be willing to go and do hand and foot molds for them. I texted back that I would be able to, it was about noon at this point. I didn't think much of the text until I was getting dinner ready and realized that no one had said if the family was ready for us to come yet. I went to a Ward Activity and while I was there got a text that no one wants to ever get, the little family that had to say "goodbye" to their son was Justin's cousin, Heidi..... Heidi had been to every one of your children's services, out of all his extended family she had been the most supportive with everything we had been through and now she was the one learning of the hell of losing a child.
Just last week at another cousins wedding, I found out she was pregnant, she was about 32 weeks along and I had joked with her that she was "almost" safe, that little boy's lungs do not mature as girls do so she needs to bake this little man till at least 36 weeks for his lungs to be good a strong. After remember this, I felt like I had signed his death certificate.....
Tanya and Marci where the ones that went on the call when the family was ready for them to come, as they where talking with the mom the mom asked if they knew me, Tanya said, "Yes, she said she was willing to come up if needed, but that they had it covered so I didn't come." Tanya asked how she knew me and she said that I was her cousin, she started sobbing at this point and said "how has she gone through this over and over again, how has he stood up with all this pain." Tanya said that while there where there, she didn't cry or anything until she mentioned me. Tanya asked why she hadn't called me yet, and she said that she had thought about it, but just hadn't had time. At that point I got the call that turned my heart cold....
I went up as soon as I got the call, and spent a good part of the night with them. You could tell how drained they where. When I got there they where in the room and Heidi asked if I wanted to hold and see him, I said "Of course, the chance to hold someone so perfect, you can never pass that up." we went back to the NICU, going back in there brought back so many memories of Shayli being there:
Passing Pod 3 were she spent 2 weeks. Then Pod 2 were it was a week and then Pod 1, Pod 1 is the critical Pod, and you know a baby is bad when they are in there, but I knew little Bryce was bad, when we went in he was all wrapped up, just like he was sleeping. What a handsome little boy, lots of dark blond hair, he looked so much like Heidi. He had this little half smile on his perfect face, so perfect, like if you just held him close enough he would wake. I wished so badly that this was just a nightmare for them and he would open his eye's to look into this mother's eye's that are so empty right now.
Bri, his big sister was there and they played "this little piggy" it was so cut to watch them play together and to have her love her little brother for the few moments they had with him. After a little while Kurt took Bri home, back to Cache Valley, and Heidi, I and her mom, Roleen sat in there holding him. I told Heidi that I had never met her Grandma Porter before, but that she needed to know that she was near, that she had Bryce and wanted Heidi to know that he is close and being watched over. Roleen and Heidi started crying harder. Roleen was like, "Yes, my Mom is near, I have felt her all day." How wonderful to know how close the Vail is at this time of pain and sorrow, that a loving and caring Father in Heaven sent comfort to them both.
I have talked with Heidi several times sense last Thursday, and she told me that she just had this feeling like something was going to happen to either her or Bryce, not sure what but something. I had told her that I just knew when we found out that Deke was a boy that he was not coming home, I knew that we would never be bringing him home, and I hated living with that knowledge. She was glad to know that she was not the only one who had that premonition and felt over whelmed with knowing this.
She said that Kurt cried the entire way home Thursday night, all the dreams and plans he had for going hunting, football and that he had planed where no gone. When Heidi told me this, Justin was there and he said, I understand that I cried for that same thing when we lost Deke, all the plans I was making to do with him where never going to happen.
I am so glad that Heidi and Kurt have someone that knows their pain, well at least somewhat, I don't clam to know how anyone really feels when losing a child, because we all grieve, suffer, deal with it on different levels, some it effects them a little, they deal with it and they are able to move forward faster, than there is me, who has the very core of who they are changed, where the desire to even live is not strong at all.
I know that I'll be writing about Kurt and Heidi more the coming days, weeks, months and such, so I wanted to end with the Poem I wrote for Deke, when he died;
For My Little Man
Small little hands,
Dainty little feet,
A face like an angel
You look so sweet.
A song from a bird,
You never will hear,
Nor the scent of a flower,
Or the taste of a tear.
The angels in Heaven
Await your pure soul.
But your Daddy and Mommy,
Wished for our role.
We would love to keep you
On earth as you see,
But since we truly do love you,
Tis better to set you free.
My Little Man Deke,
Know this is true,
Forever and ever,
We will love you.
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