When will it end?

This time of year is suppose to be an amazing time of year, I have been trying so hard to focus on the many blessings we have been receiving and so forth, but really, REALLY how much can one person take??
Sept 16, 2009, my husband, Justin lost his job, it’s been hard sense then. 2 weeks later, October 2, 2009 I guess life as I knew it, again came to an end. Our son Deke was born sleeping. I can say that I have really REALLY never been the same sense.I had my normal OB appointment Wed, September 30, that night I started feeling really really bad, contractions. They just kept getting worse and worse throughout the night. I called the Mid-Wife I had been seeing, and she told me to come in and see the Dr She worked under. Mind you this is not my High Risk OB that I had been seeing with all my other children, he KNEW and understood just how high risk I was and never EVER messed with me. The Mid-wife told me that she had been talking to my HR OB about me and that he KNEW that I was pregnant.
I walked myself, hunched over, into their office the next morning. I could barely walk I was in so much pain. The OB (not my normally one mind you) checked me out and told me that I was NOT having contractions and to go home, and soak in a hot bath. I was devastated, and knew as I walked out of there signing my son's death certificate.See I have an incompetent cervix (IC), I don't write much about it and I guess I should to give others with same issue hope, after all the research I have done, I need to. Even my HR OB's office now dose ultra sounds before a woman becomes pregnant to determine if she may have IC. If NON-PREGNANT your cervix measures 2.5-4 cm they will give you a vaginal (McDonald) Cerclage, BUT if it’s shorter then this (mine measures LESS than 1.7 cm, NON-PREGNANT) then you the TAC, a Trans Abdominal Cerclage, is what you need. I won’t go into all the detail around this, but it’s placed by C/S, sometimes before you become pregnant or while you’re in your first Tri. I had mine placed when I was 11.5 weeks pregnant with Shayli. Doing it when pregnant is touchy, it can either work out fine, or you could loss the life of that baby or both the baby and mother. We were lucky; Shayli is almost 6 today, because of the TAC, and P-17 shots, for Pre-Term Labor. Oh and 2 amazing Dr's, have to include them, if it was not for them and letting me been seen anytime I want, Shayli would not be here today.OK, back to Deke...
The labor just kept getting worse, I kept calling the office and they finally called something in to see if that could stop the contraction (which I wasn't having), which she said I was NOT having (I look back now and see all the signs that the "OB" that I had seen that morning, if she had REALLY been talking to my HR OB (Oh who by the way OWNS the office) then things would have been way different, the outcome may have been the same but maybe I could still have children, which I can’t due to this OB's actions or as I put it her love of playing God.). Needless to say it didn't help and just kept getting worse and worse. Around 2:30 am Friday Oct 2, 2009 my water broke, I knew that my son's life was over. I called this OB again, because I was told that she was still talking to my HR OB and she finally told me to go to the OR and she would meet me there. Again I walked myself in, I wonder how I did this, I was in so much pain that to this day I cannot believe I ever did this.
When we got there they put my IV in and tried giving me something for the pain, NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING touched it, not even a little. I got there around 5, and about 9 the ambulance was there to take me to a Salt Lake Hospital because "SHE" did not want to touch me. So I went my ambulance to the U, when I got there the Dr's where amazed that I had been treated this way, they knew I was in labor. At the previous hospital they had confirmed that Deke had passed, and they also did on Ultra Sound at this hospital to re-confirm. They wanted to give us all the cards before doing anything. He was gone, I knew this. So sense I can only deliver by C/S, I was taken back around 12 to deliver Deke.
Deke W Dursteler was born at 2:30 pm on October 2, 2009. On this day the very core of whom I was or am shattered into a million pieces. I have been down this path many times before, Jakob and Jeneh, August 18, 2003, born alive and passed within minutes of birth. Trey, born sleeping February 17, 2004, Lynli born alive and passing on August 3, 2004 (yes if you’re counting that is 4 baby's within 50 weeks), I had 2 mis-carriages before we got pregnant with Shayli. Shayli was to be born April 25, 2006, but she couldn't wait to make her arrival, and had to come early, around the same time her 2 cousins did, on February 25, 2006. We lost another baby, due to mis-carriage in January 2009. Yes I have been pregnant 9 times and have one living child.
So when they cut Deke out, they lifted up my uterus and my tubes fell off, I was so infected that I was then fighting for my life, it was an infection that had taken Deke's life, well that and a Dr that thought they were or are God. I spent 5 days in the hospital, 3 of which was fighting for my own life. I can never get pregnant again due to this infection, at the U they said that if this had been addressed when I first called, then the outcome would have been completely different and maybe we could have had more children.SO fast forward, the past 2 years have been hard, my husband has not been able to find a job, the food industry is hard when the economy SUCKS. So I was the one that was bringing in the money to live on, well that was until December 5, 2011.
On this day, I was taken into a room, told that I was terminated; I asked what was going on, they said that I had canceled an application and they had no call on record for it. I asked to been shown were and was told that they didn't have to show me anything, that I was terminated. I was then walked out the door, not even allowed to pack my desk.Now mind you, I know for a fact that NOT all calls are recorded, I can prove this, I have days where I had made over 50 calls inbound and out and NOT one call was ever recorded, I have even brought this to the attention of my boss, and she said she would look into this. I also trained a new member of my team, in October. For 3 weeks he didn't have accuse to the systems we work on, and my boss cleared that I could sign him in under my ID's for him to work. So all notes on the applications where being made under my ID, but all calls where recorded under his.
So if I was doing what they said I was then WHY do you let me work all the over time I want and let me have bonuses?? Really, if I was doing crappy work like that then why do you let me work OT and get Bonuses, I'm getting a Lawyer to fight Wrongful Termination.I keep wondering when our streak of bad luck is going to end. Sense 2003, life has had some amazing times, but for the most part, I shake my head and wonder where I wronged God.
Even as friends find out that I lost my job, they to keep asking when this bad luck is going to end for us. I for one have no idea, but I can say that I would like off this ride, so if you know how to stop it or at least slow it down so I can jump off, please let me know.I work hard on finding little things right now to be thankful for, I smile every time I remember the pray Shayli said the other night, in her pray she blessed ALL her Brother's and Sister's, Jakob, Jeneh, Lynli and Deke. Shayli does not know much about Trey, well no one really dose, when I lost him, I was ANGRY, and that is saying is nicely. We had done IVF with Jakob and Jeneh and when we lost them we went back and did IVF again for Trey. I could not believe that this was happening to us, losing another baby, really where have we wronged God.
So Merry Christmas, I sit here and write and wonder when this nightmare is going to end, I loved my job, we need the money, and now I'm left looking for one. I have to say that one good thing happened yesterday, I was approved for unemployment, they determined that I was WRONGFULLY FIRED, at no fault of my own and I now get un-employment, a Blessing.As of Oct 2, 2009 I really and forever have changed, the core of who I was is gone forever, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, and deal with that every day now. I feel sorry for Shayli having to grow up with a mother that is crazy.So there, this is the reason I have been MIA. I guess I should write more about the events around the life and death of my children, from spending weeks in the hospital standing on my head to try and save Lynli, to Jakob being born outside of the ER, he ripped through my cervix/cerclage.