So when are you going to have another child.......

I get so tired of being asked when we are going to add to our family, when are we going to give Shayli another brother or sister. Most people do not know our history; they do not know that we have done a few rounds of IVF, with great success but only to end up holding our children as they pass in and out of this life at a very premature age, to little to make it or for them to have a decent quality of life.
Up until I lost my job the first of December we were looking into adopting, see I can’t have any more children and SHOULDNT either. Not only do I have an incompetent cervix, but is now made strong by my band of steal (Trans Abdominal Cercalge - TAC) but with Deke we also found out that my body is really a baby killer, well nothing new there, but just added more info to what we didn’t know. When I get pregnant my body thinks the baby is an infection and fits it or kills it you could say. That explains why I started leaking with Shayli at 32 weeks. I knew I was leaking and went to see a Dr in my High Risk OB's office on Friday Feb 24th, after 3 hours of checking me she said I wasn’t leaking and sent me home, BUT said if it kept up to call. Well, Justin had a shooting party planed with his buddies, I told him to go, and I got into a HUGE cleaning mode. That wasn’t that good, because the more I moved or Shayli the more I leaked. I finally called Jed, my HR OB and he told me he didn’t think it was anything that I had been checked the day before, but to go to L&D anyway just to make sure. I knew when I walked myself in there that I was not leaving; I knew I was leaking... Sure enough I was, I called Justin told him he had less than an hour to get back to Ogden that Shayli was coming..
It was all kinds of scary, 32 weeks to the date Shayli came screaming into this world, the most amazing sound I have and will ever hear. After years of trying and burring a son and 2 daughters, not to mention, multiple miscarriages, Shayli was finally here, she might have had to spend 5 weeks in the NICU but she is one healthy and at times cranky, but for the most part a happy little PRINCESS.
But back to the fact that I can and should never get pregnant again. I have struggled with this; I do not hold babies, not unless I have to. I wait until they are about 8 or so month I just can’t do it, it KILLs part of me ever time, something I want so deeply and badly I can’t have and with losing my job, the option of adopting has vanished.
So when I get asked that question, I laugh and say, who would want a Mom that is 60 when they graduate from High School, because if I did have another child, I would be 60, OYE!